Four Trauma Responses in Kids (and How to Support Each One)

Do you ever wonder why your child suddenly shuts down, explodes, runs away or becomes overly pleasing? To begin to understand why, we need to start with what the body’s response to stress is and what it looks like. The body’s response to stress is also known as the fight or flight response. It is a survival mechanism that prepares the body to face a threat by triggering some very rapid physiological changes.

These changes include:

• Heart rate and blood pressure increases

• Breathing becomes faster

• Muscles tense up

• Pupils dilate

• Blood is redirected from areas that aren’t as important when your body thinks it’s in danger, to places like your muscles (in case you have to run or fight) and your brain (to help it focus on what the threat is.)

Understanding its importance is crucial in understanding a child’s response to stress. It explains each body’s automatic reaction to stress and danger, helping us manage stress and anxiety effectively. Not taking the time to understand our body’s reaction leads to chronic stress, increased risk of mental health issues (PTSD, depression, panic attacks), and also negative health outcomes (cardiovascular issues, weakened immunity).

What Are the Four Trauma Responses

The four trauma responses most often seen in kids (and adults alike) are Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn. These are survival responses that are controlled by our nervous system. These are not personality traits or “bad behavior.” They are our biological reactions to stress.

The Fight Response:

What It Looks Like:	What It’s Triggered By:	How to Support a Child:
Aggressive outbursts Yelling, hitting, pushing Arguing or talking back Explosive reactions	Feeling overwhelmed, threatened, misunderstood, embarrassed Sensory overload (overwhelmed by sights, sounds, smells, etc. in the environment)	Stay calm and grounded Use very few words Provide physical outlets Model regulation Avoid power struggles

The Flight Response:

What It Looks Like:	What It’s Triggered By:	How to Support a Child:
Running away Avoids tasks/people Hiding Disappearing into screens, book, imagination “I want to go home” feelings	Uncertainty Fear of Failure Overstimulation Social Anxiety	Create safety and predictability Break tasks into smaller steps Validate their fears Offer gentle encouragement Use grounding techniques

The Freeze Response:

What It Looks Like:	What It’s Triggered By:	How to Support a Child:
Shutting down “Blank stare” Not responding to questions Going silent Feeling stuck or paralyzed Appears "uncooperative”	Overwhelm Too many demands at once Emotional overload Fear of making the wrong choice	Give them more time Lower expectations in the moment Use sensory tools Reassure: “You’re safe, take your time.”

The Fawn Response:

What It Looks Like:	What It’s Triggered By:	How to Support a Child:
People pleasing Trying to make other happy to avoid conflict Saying ‘Yes’ when they want to say ‘no’ Fixing others’ emotions Over-apologizing	Conflict Criticism Fear of disappointing others Past experiences of chaos or unpredictability	Teach boundaries Encourage them to express preferences Praise assertiveness Normalize conflict as part of relationships Reinforce their worth outside of performance

How Parents Can Respond in the Moment:

When your child is experiencing any of the following response systems, the first thing that you can do to help is to regulate yourself first. You cannot be a source of support for your child if you, yourself, are also upset. Children aren’t born with the ability to self-regulate. So, they borrow it from us until they can do it for themselves. When you are regulated, you are more capable of staying consistent, setting boundaries kindly, see the need behind the behavior, stay connected in conflict, and choose a response that teaches rather than punishes.

Secondly, it helps to view their behavior as a kind of communication. They don’t always have the words to explain what they feel, need, or fear – so they use behaviors instead. When we, as parents, shift from “What’s wrong with you?” to “What are you trying to tell me?” everything changes. When we interpret behavior as communication, we parent from curiosity, not control. It softens our reactions and builds trust. And it teaches our kids that emotions aren’t dangerous – they are signals that help guide us.

Next, use presence – not pressure. Being present for a child who is struggling calms the nervous system. Pressure overwhelms it. When you’re present, you’ll get down lower and stay near the child, use a soft tone, valid their feelings, use fewer words (because when children are upset, they can’t hear long explanations.) Presence tells a child’s nervous system, “You’re not alone. You’re safe with me. We can handle this together.” Safety brings the thinking brain back online.

Also, move from punishment to connection-based support. Many parents were raised in a world where challenging behavior was met with punishment – timeouts, taking things away, lectures, yelling. But current science tells us kids don’t learn best through fear. Moving from punishment to connection-based doesn’t mean being permissive. It’s responding in a way that teaches skills rather than simply stopping the behavior. Connection-based support means: holding limits kindly, naming feelings, teaching coping skills, problem-solving together, repairing after conflict, and staying emotionally available.

Long-Term Strategies to Strengthen a Child’s Nervous System:

Let’s take a look at long term strategies you can use to help strengthen a child’s nervous system.

Build predictable routines	For transitions like: Bedtime Leaving the house Turning off screens Getting ready in the morning Moving from play to homework
Practice coping skills regularly	When a child is stressed, the “thinking brain” goes offline. By practicing calming strategies, they become better at: Calming down faster Thinking before reacting Communicating feelings Handling frustration Bouncing back from stress
Strengthen attachment	The child’s brain wires for safety, every time a parent: Comforts Holds Listens Responds Stays present
Use grounding exercises	Examples of grounding include: Look at something Touch something Listen to calming sounds Smell something pleasant Move the body
Reduce chronic stress	How to reduce chronic stress: Create predictable routines Prioritize sleep Simplify schedules Build connection Teach coping skills Monitor the environment (screen time, conflict, chaotic settings) Model calm behavior
Consider therapy if frequent	If a child’s responses are intense or frequent, consider looking into professional help

When to Seek Professional Support:

Fight, flight, freeze and fawn can be a lot for parents and caregivers to accept. If you are having a hard time self-regulating or feel as though it’s too much to handle, consider reaching out to a therapist for some help. If the stress response is having a daily impact on your child’s functioning, they are avoiding school, engaging in self-harming behaviors, experiencing panic attacks, constantly shutting down or showing aggression; it’s a good sign that additional help is needed.

Conclusion:

Kids aren’t trying to be difficult. They are trying to feel safe when their bodies are telling them they aren’t. They don’t have the appropriate words to communicate their challenges, so their behaviors come out. Behavior is a form of communication. I encourage you to observe your child’s patterns with curiosity and not judgement. They are trying their best to calm their bodies.

If your child struggles with big reactions, I can help you understand their nervous system, build emotional regulation skills, and create calmer days at home.