Growing Independence or Growing Distance?

Why Tweens Pull Away – and What to Do About It

When one day your child wants to tell you every single thing that happened during their day, and the next, answers become shorter, doors are closed more often, and your presence feels less welcomed, it can be an isolating feeling. For many parents, this shift during the tween year (9-12) can feel sudden and painful.

If your tween is pulling away, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means that development is happening.

Why Tweens Pull Away

Their Brain is Rewiring: During the tween years, the brain begins a major reorganization. Tweens start shifting from family-centered thinking to peer-oriented awareness. This doesn’t mean parents stop mattering – it means independence is beginning to take shape.

Pulling away is often a sign of healthy development, not a sign of rejection. They are asking (without words obviously): Who am I separate from my parents?

This often looks like: less sharing of information, requesting more privacy, and eye rolls or super short answers.

Peer Relationships Take Center Stage: Friends begin to matter more, and fitting in feels extremely high stakes. This can drain emotional energy, leaving less energy left over for family connection at the end of the day.

Brains are wired to seek belonging outside the family at this age. Your voice still matters – but peers become the mirror tween check first.

Wanting the Independence Without Losing the Safety: Tweens are caught between two needs: wanting autonomy and still needing reassurance. They may push you away while quietly checking to see if you’re still going to be there.

The push-pull tactics can look like moodiness, irritability, or emotional distance – but under it all, there is a need for a secure connection with you.

Big Feelings + Small Vocab: Tweens feel emotions intensely but struggle to explain them. Instead of saying, “I’m overwhelmed,” they may say; “leave me alone,” “you don’t get it,” or “it’s fine.”

When feelings feel confusing or overwhelming, withdrawing can feel safer than talking. Silence is often self-protection, not a sign of defiance.

What Not to Do When Tweens Pull Away

• Don’t force conversations or closeness

• Don’t take distance personally (even if it feels personal)

• Don’t interrogate or pressure then to open up

• Don’t chase or guilt them

• Don’t assume silence means secrecy or trouble

What Actually Helps

Stay Predictably Available: Let your tween known – through actions more so than words – that you’re there when they’re ready. Connection isn’t always conversation. Sit nearby. Do parallel activities. Drive together. Watch a show.

Simple phrases matter:

“I’m here if you want to talk.”

“We don’t have to talk right now.”

Lower the Intensity: Connection usually happens sideways. Car rides, walk, cooking together, or doing an activity side-by-side can feel safer than face-to-face conversations.

Protect One Low-Stakes Connection Ritual: Short, predictable moments matter. Whether it’s bedtime check-in, a morning goodbye, or a weekly date. Don’t make it heavy but do make it safe.

Respect Their Need for Privacy: Privacy is different from secrecy. Allowing your tween to have personal space helps them develop trust and self-confidence. If safety concerns arise, address them calmly.

Respond to What’s Beneath the Behavior: Irritability often means your tween is overstimulated, stressed, feels shamed, or is feeling social pressure. Even when they seem distant, keep offering warmth. Tweens notice more than they show.

When to Be More Concerned

Pulling away is normal – but reach out for extra support if you notice:

• Significant changes in mood or behavior

• Ongoing withdrawal with sadness or anxiety

• Loss of interest in things they used to enjoy

• Signs of distress, self-harm, or hopelessness

A Helpful Reframe

Tweens don’t pull away because they don’t need you. They pull away because they’re learning how to need you differently. Your steady presence – without pressure – is what helps them find their way back.

Phone: 309-323-0207

Email: cami@camilerminezllc.com

Facebook: Cami Lerminez, LLC www.camilerminezllc.com